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7 Takeaways From My ‘Failed’ Relationships

7 Takeaways From My ‘Failed’ Relationships

Kinga Cichewicz Life has very little meaning without relationships. If everyone operated with the same level of urgency in their work as they do searching for a partner once they hit 30, our economy would surge beyond capacity. Looking back, I realized I was playing with fire as I ventured through adulthood. Many people, and the connections we built together were taken for granted. Caught up in the hypnosis of serving my own needs, I allowed many of my relationships to suffer and die off. I’m not saying romantic relationships are the key to happiness, as many other types of relationships can reign supreme. However, if you do find yourself with a significant other at the moment, do them a favor and screen yourself for these affinity-killing hangups. Here are some of the key takeaways that, in hindsight, are now more in front of me than ever before. “Each contact with a human is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it.” — Anais Nin 1. Question Behavior, Not Intent If you decide to trust yourself in your ability to choose your relationships appropriately, you should know in your gut that your partner only has positive intent towards you. Depending on the state they’re in, they may exhibit a behavior and you may begin to feel otherwise. Understanding the difference between the cause and the effect, however, will set you free. Behavior and intent are not always congruent. What shows up may look mean and nasty but beneath it, they’re really just scared. Or it may look vain and selfish, but they’re really just a little freaked out. They know their intent and have a strong belief in it, regardless of what it looks like in their sequential behavior. Attempting to tear that down is a great way to sever trust. You have every right to question the behavior. Question the intent, however, and be prepared for the relationship to be destroyed. 2. Stop Trying To Protect Yourself Victim mode isn’t a very powerful way to operate. The ongoing rhetoric in today’s dating world sets a precedent for people to enter into a relationship with Fort Knox guarding their soul. I understand, especially when it comes to women, we cannot open the floodgates right away—today’s pick-up culture and patriarchy have proven this. But some men are just as closed off. And what I’m recommending is be careful of creating this generalization. When we’re guarding something, we’re assuming the attempt of external harm. So we’re immediately beginning a relationship looking for what could be a threat, instead of what could be welcomed and appreciated. What’s worse is we’re doing a massive disservice to the other person by withholding our true self. You cannot try to protect yourself and be authentic at the same time. Where the focus goes, the energy flows. Authenticity is vulnerability. Vulnerability is defined as, “the quality or state of being exposed or attacked.” Lasting relationships are built on trust. Want to build real trust and demonstrate your belief in someone? Give them the power to destroy you by exposing who you really are. 3. Jealousy Comes From Unrealized Areas of Self Jealousy is a common theme that arises in many relationships and I can certainly speak first-hand on this topic. What I did not understand at the moment was where it was coming from. Jealousy ensued when my partner would experience something I knew I had the ability to create for myself but didn’t. Jealousy was the reminder of all I had left unfulfilled. Often times, the differences that make us fall in love with other people are actually what we want the most for ourselves. 4. Give Up What Doesn’t Serve You And Give In To What Does In the beginning of a relationship, the objective is to do whatever it takes to make the other person becomes yours. We go to extreme lengths of selflessness to be able to leverage the terms “girlfriend”, “boyfriend”, “fiancee”, “husband” and “wife”. Then what happens? We’re successful and we assume it’s all about us now. We get obsessed with having every little facet exactly how we want it, instead of recognizing that the source of our happiness is […]

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